Anxiety in Contemporary Couples: How It Affects Individuals and Relationships

In today’s fast-paced, always-on world, anxiety has become a part of daily life for many. Whether it’s work stress, financial pressure, or constant comparisons on social media, modern couples are experiencing more anxiety than ever before. Unfortunately, anxiety doesn’t stay confined to the individual—it often seeps into relationships, creating emotional strain that can make it difficult for couples to thrive.

The Impact of Anxiety on Individuals in a Relationship

Anxiety, at its core, can make someone feel insecure, worried, and overwhelmed. When you’re dealing with anxiety, it’s hard to focus on anything else. It can create an inner dialogue full of “what ifs” and worst-case scenarios that can dominate a person’s thoughts. For someone in a relationship, this can translate into overthinking everything their partner says or does. Suddenly, a simple, “I’ll be home late,” becomes, “They don’t want to spend time with me.”

This constant anxiety can make a person seek reassurance from their partner over and over. Questions like, “Do you still love me?” or “Are we okay?” may seem harmless at first, but over time, they can put pressure on the relationship. Research shows that partners of people with high anxiety often report feeling emotionally drained or burdened, which can lead to frustration and distance (Randall & Bodenmann, 2017).

For the individual with anxiety, it can also be tough to be fully present in the relationship. Their mind is constantly racing with anxious thoughts, making it hard to enjoy moments with their partner. This can cause emotional disconnection, as they struggle to engage meaningfully in conversations or activities because they’re so preoccupied with their internal worries. According to Dehle and Weiss (2002), anxiety can erode emotional intimacy, leaving both partners feeling distant and misunderstood.

How Anxiety Affects Communication

Communication is the backbone of any healthy relationship, and anxiety can seriously impact it. For people with anxiety, communication can go one of two ways. They might over-communicate in an attempt to gain reassurance or control over the situation, or they may avoid important conversations altogether, fearing conflict or rejection.

Over-communication often involves constantly checking in with a partner, which can make the other person feel suffocated. On the other hand, avoidance means the person isn’t addressing the root of the issue, which can lead to misunderstandings. For example, an anxious person might avoid talking about something that’s bothering them because they’re worried about upsetting their partner. This, in turn, can cause resentment to build up, leading to more significant issues down the line.

Newman and Erickson (2019) found that individuals with anxiety often struggle to clearly express their needs, which can lead to misinterpretations and increased conflict in the relationship. It’s a bit of a vicious cycle—the more anxious someone feels, the harder it becomes to communicate effectively, and poor communication only fuels more anxiety.

Anxiety and Intimacy

Anxiety can also take a toll on physical and emotional intimacy in a relationship. When someone is feeling stressed or anxious, they may not be as interested in physical closeness, which can lead to feelings of rejection for the partner. Anxiety can also cause someone to pull back emotionally, creating a barrier that prevents true connection.

When one or both partners are struggling with anxiety, it’s common for the relationship to feel distant or strained. Physical touch, which is often a source of comfort and connection, can feel less accessible when anxiety is present. Theiss and Solomon (2008) found that anxiety in romantic relationships often leads to emotional distance, which can weaken the bond between partners over time.

Managing Anxiety in Relationships

The good news is that anxiety doesn’t have to ruin a relationship. While it can certainly create challenges, there are effective ways to manage anxiety and maintain a healthy partnership.

One of the most important things both partners can do is communicate openly about the anxiety. If one person is feeling anxious, letting their partner know can prevent misunderstandings. Transparency is key. By explaining how anxiety is affecting them, they help their partner understand what’s really going on rather than assuming it’s something personal.

Psychodynamic Therapy is another valuable tool for understanding and managing anxiety in relationships. Unlike more surface-level approaches, psychodynamic therapy focuses on uncovering unconscious patterns from early life experiences that are likely affecting how a person relates to their partner. For example, someone might realize through therapy that their anxious behavior in relationships stems from unresolved childhood attachment issues, such as feeling neglected or abandoned.

Psychodynamic therapy helps individuals explore these deep-rooted emotions and patterns, allowing them to develop insight into their behaviors. Once a person understands where their anxiety comes from, they can work to change the destructive behaviors that are impacting their relationship. Psychodynamic therapy is especially useful because it emphasizes the emotional processes behind actions, helping people to better understand themselves and, consequently, how they relate to their partner (McWilliams, 2011). As individuals begin to resolve these underlying issues, they often find that their relationship becomes less fraught with anxiety and more balanced.

Setting boundaries is another important aspect of managing anxiety in a relationship. While it’s crucial for the anxious partner to feel supported, it’s equally important that the other partner doesn’t feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of managing their partner’s anxiety. Clear boundaries allow both individuals to take care of their own emotional needs while still being there for each other.

Conclusion

Anxiety is a common issue for contemporary couples, but it doesn’t have to undermine a relationship. By communicating openly, seeking psychodynamic therapy when needed, and practicing mindfulness, couples can navigate anxiety together and build a stronger, more resilient partnership. The key is to recognize that anxiety is something that can be managed, and with the right tools, it can even lead to greater understanding and closeness between partners.

Bibliography

Dehle, C., & Weiss, R. L. (2002). Associations between anxiety and marital adjustment. Journal of Psychology, 136(3), 328-338. https://doi.org/10.1080/00223980209604161

McWilliams, N. (2011). Psychoanalytic Diagnosis: Understanding Personality Structure in the Clinical Process. Guilford Press.

Newman, M. G., & Erickson, T. M. (2019). Generalized anxiety disorder and marital quality. Clinical Psychology Review, 72, 101758. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2019.101758.

Randall, A. K., & Bodenmann, G. (2017). The role of stress on close relationships and marital satisfaction. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 43(2), 204-220. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12194

Theiss, J. A., & Solomon, D. H. (2008). Parsing the mechanisms that increase relational intimacy: The effects of uncertainty and attachment. Communication Monographs, 75(4), 384-414.