The Unconscious Desires to Have Kids in Your Marriage: Why Couple’s Therapy Might Be Your Best Conception Plan

So, you’ve been married for a few years, your family members are dropping subtle (or not so subtle) hints about grandkids, and suddenly, you and your partner are asking, "Should we have kids?" But hold on—before you start shopping for cribs and minivans, have you thought about the unconscious desires that might be driving your sudden urge for diaper duty?

Talking about children and the future

Spoiler alert: deciding to have children is about more than cute baby socks and Instagram-worthy family photos. Sometimes, the desire to have kids is fueled by deeper, unconscious motivations that neither of you might be aware of. That’s where couple’s therapy comes in. It’s like a relationship tune-up before you hit the fast lane toward parenthood. Let’s explore why getting a therapist involved before you make babies is one of the smartest moves you can make. 

The Unconscious Desires Behind Wanting Kids

First things first, let’s talk about why you might want kids—and not just the reasons you say out loud. Sure, there’s the joy of raising a mini-you, sharing your wisdom, or living through your kids’ milestones. But beneath that, there are often unconscious desires at play, pulling the strings without you even realizing it.

1. Legacy and Immortality

   
   

   Having kids can be a way of achieving symbolic immortality. Whether we admit it or not, many of us want to leave a piece of ourselves behind. We want our names, values, or even just our bad puns to live on. Freud would probably call this an unconscious way of dealing with the fact that, well, we won’t be around forever.

2. Filling Emotional Gaps

   
   

   Sometimes the desire to have kids is driven by the need to fill emotional gaps. You may want to give your child the love, attention, or care you didn’t receive growing up. While that sounds noble, if you’re trying to use a child to heal your past, you might be setting yourself—and your future kid—up for some complicated dynamics.

3. Strengthening the Relationship

   
   

   There’s a myth that having a baby will bring couples closer together. While babies certainly bring people together (usually at 3 a.m. when they’re screaming), it’s not always in the way you imagined. Some people unconsciously believe that a child will fix underlying relationship issues or cement a bond. Spoiler alert: babies don’t come with relationship glue. They come with dirty diapers.

Why Couple’s Therapy Before Kids is a Brilliant Idea

Now that we’ve uncovered some of the unconscious desires that might be driving your decision, let’s talk about why couple’s therapy is a great pit stop before you hit the "having kids" highway. Here’s why it can make a world of difference.

1. Understanding Each Other’s Motivations

   One of you might be ready to dive into the parenting pool while the other is still dipping their toes in. That’s normal! Couple’s therapy helps you both get on the same page by exploring each partner’s motivations for wanting—or not wanting—kids. Therapy can shine a light on those unconscious desires and help you understand why you both feel the way you do. (Hint: It’s not just because babies are cute.)

   
   

2. Talking About Expectations

   You and your partner might have very different ideas about what having kids will look like. Are you both expecting equal diaper duty, or is one of you secretly hoping the other will do all the heavy lifting? Therapy gives you the space to hash out those expectations and make sure neither of you feels like you’re stuck holding the baby bag (literally).

   
   

3. Strengthening Your Relationship Before Parenthood

   Parenting can be beautiful, but it’s also challenging, and your relationship will inevitably change once a baby enters the picture. Couple’s therapy helps you strengthen your relationship before you bring a baby into it, so you have the tools to communicate effectively, solve problems, and stay connected through the sleepless nights and endless laundry.

   
   

4. Planning for the Future

   Sure, therapy can help you understand your motivations for having kids, but it can also help you create a plan for the future. How will you handle financial decisions, parenting styles, or even the in-laws who think they should be in charge? These are all important discussions to have, and therapy provides a safe space to navigate them together.

Conclusion

While deciding to have children is one of life’s biggest (and most exciting) decisions, it’s important to dig deeper into the unconscious desires that might be influencing your choice. And before you go down the parenting path, taking a detour into couple’s therapy can be the best way to ensure you and your partner are truly ready for the journey ahead.

So, before you start practicing your lullabies and building your crib, take a moment to practice some self-awareness—and maybe book that therapy session. Your future selves (and your future kids) will thank you.

Bibliography

Freud, S. (1915). The Unconscious. The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud.

McWilliams, N. (2011). Psychoanalytic Diagnosis: Understanding Personality Structure in the Clinical Process. Guilford Press.

Shedler, J. (2010). The efficacy of psychodynamic psychotherapy. American Psychologist, 65(2), 98-109.